Au Pair

Having an au pair is great.

Almost immediately, I could breathe.
There is another adult human to absorb the child energy. It feels like this massive shift. Someone can wash the dishes and  someone else can bath the kids at the same time!

She's lovely. It isn't the friendly relationship that I was a little worried about. It's a backpacker who has a comfortable and free place to stay, in exchange for a bit of help around the home and babysitting money. It's a nice, pleasant exchange.

The flexibility of being able to take one to a doctor appointment or jump out to the shops on my own has been such a relief. And, surprisingly, the ability to run again has really helped my mental state.

It still feels like a bit of limbo in life.
I had the epiphany while writing Christmas cards a couple weeks ago. I'm busy. Life is busy.
But the business is boring. I'm bored. It feels so meaningless.

I haven't felt meaningful in a long time. Despite having two kids and all the fixings in a safe, comfortable home, I want to be excited by my surroundings again.

So now I need to work out how to do that.

Dream

I had another dream about Austin last night. I've had a few lately and can only conclude that this is due to that EMDR stuff. It must be triggering.

I think his profile picture had changed. Something had happened and alerted that maybe he was still somewhere. Playing, moving, adventuring. Like he was stuck on his own, far away from society where there were rapids and boats and sun and a gross need for survival skills.

The picture had changed to be photoshopped with our son in his arms. As though he wanted to look like he was holding him up and Chas' face was pasted on. So where would Austin have gotten this picture unless if he was interested?

And I called, because in dreamland this is logical, and had a hard time remembering his phone number. Rang twice and he answered.

I cried. Hard. Which, I guess would be expected.
The overwhelming relief of hearing his voice alive surprised me the most.