Ho hum

This exhaustion is exhausting.

Ten days before the first au pair arrives. I'm still hopeful that she will be a big relief valve on my life. The pressure can be lifted. Someone else can help with the heavy lifting, enjoying the kids when I need to be alone.
A high expectation for a 19 year old, but we are trying. I'm hopeful.

Lately, I have had some moments of productivity laced with crushing overwhelmingness.
I'm still resentful, and I try to ignore it or at least be more understanding, of other single mothers who get some time off. Time to rest. Time to move. Time to explore their own needs or interests.

I'm feeling claustrophobic. I'm stuck. My children have overwhelming needs for attention, mediation, food, general care and I'm overwhelmed. It's too much. I struggle to enjoy much of anything - which now that I'm reading it, sounds like depression again.

I thought that last night. I realise the depression could rear back and blanket my moods again. I miss having my husband to share this with. I don't want to be dating. I don't want to be unhappy or selfish in this life, yet here we are.
No way am I going to take those antidepressants again because it was FAR too challenging to come off of them. But I can taste the temptation to push away the feelings with a pill.


The incontinence. It's still so much. I am still frustrated.
She still sits in her wet undies until I figure it out and tell her to change.
She still doesn't send herself to the toilet or ask to go. She waits to be prompted.
She still lies about it.
I'm trying rewards in stickers and fun activities. She doesn't want to stop doing what she's doing to go to the toilet.
So, we start with potty training all over again. With a 5 1/2 year old.

The penny dropped last week or so. One thing that could be contributing is the lysine? It's the only booster I've given her and it's to manage her cold sores. One potential side effect is kidney issues, so we've stopped this.
I've gotten a referral for a paediatrician so we can move forward here, but I'm still just so tired of it all.

I'm tired.
I'm probably depressed.
Not much seems to be much fun these days.
Ho hum.

A Rant

Oh man.
I am so disappointed in myself. But it still felt like this pressure valve needed releasing.

The pant wetting has become extreme. I give up. It's obviously hit frustration and I'm so tired of doing it all. She doesn't get in trouble for the accidents, I emphasise that.

But then she sits. In her wet undies. All day, if she's allowed. Until I smell her or see and tell her to change. She can't figure out to do it on her own.

What is the big, damn deal over staying in wet undies! It smells awful. And I know that other kids are starting to notice and comment on it. I'm afraid she's going to cause some longer term damage with infections. And I don't want to be monitoring her every single day and night, multiple times, to change her underwear.

I've spent more money on getting special undies with padding in them to hold the wee. But she'll still need to change. We have upgraded to pull ups over night so I can take a break from washing and re-making her bed every day or two. She wears big pads in her undies until the special padded ones arrive.

And tonight, once again, after another big conversation about keeping her body clean - I finally ranted at her.
CHANGE. YOUR. UNDIES!!!! When you are wet - just CHANGE THEM!

Why? Why is this so hard? Why can't she just acknowledge that she is wet? Why do I have to call her out on it EVERY SINGLE TIME!!?!?!?

::big sigh::

I've been sick over these holidays. The flu manifested into the first sinus infection I can ever remember having.

Sinus infection. Where you can physically see the sinus cavities through your skin because they are so red and enflamed. Weird, right?
Waking up with a sore throat from snoring so hard.
And I made it through, big strong girl that I am, with no antibiotics.

Until my left eye socket, for whatever reason became super sore.
Who knows why. Bacterial infection spreads?

Maybe it's contributing to my crankiness.