Ho hum

This exhaustion is exhausting.

Ten days before the first au pair arrives. I'm still hopeful that she will be a big relief valve on my life. The pressure can be lifted. Someone else can help with the heavy lifting, enjoying the kids when I need to be alone.
A high expectation for a 19 year old, but we are trying. I'm hopeful.

Lately, I have had some moments of productivity laced with crushing overwhelmingness.
I'm still resentful, and I try to ignore it or at least be more understanding, of other single mothers who get some time off. Time to rest. Time to move. Time to explore their own needs or interests.

I'm feeling claustrophobic. I'm stuck. My children have overwhelming needs for attention, mediation, food, general care and I'm overwhelmed. It's too much. I struggle to enjoy much of anything - which now that I'm reading it, sounds like depression again.

I thought that last night. I realise the depression could rear back and blanket my moods again. I miss having my husband to share this with. I don't want to be dating. I don't want to be unhappy or selfish in this life, yet here we are.
No way am I going to take those antidepressants again because it was FAR too challenging to come off of them. But I can taste the temptation to push away the feelings with a pill.


The incontinence. It's still so much. I am still frustrated.
She still sits in her wet undies until I figure it out and tell her to change.
She still doesn't send herself to the toilet or ask to go. She waits to be prompted.
She still lies about it.
I'm trying rewards in stickers and fun activities. She doesn't want to stop doing what she's doing to go to the toilet.
So, we start with potty training all over again. With a 5 1/2 year old.

The penny dropped last week or so. One thing that could be contributing is the lysine? It's the only booster I've given her and it's to manage her cold sores. One potential side effect is kidney issues, so we've stopped this.
I've gotten a referral for a paediatrician so we can move forward here, but I'm still just so tired of it all.

I'm tired.
I'm probably depressed.
Not much seems to be much fun these days.
Ho hum.