Reiki

I have committed to a Pilates class on Friday mornings, as a peer pressure setting to actually care for my body. As one does, it felt like a huge task to figure out how to fit this into my day. Will I stress out more because I'm taking this time away? We'll see. Right now, it's a good reason to stretch at the beach. And wear yoga pants.

Beautiful Nicole offers reiki. The energy, healing, frequency stuff. I've never spent the time to even thing about it, but I definitely support her and am willing to give anything a shot. After this recovery from antidepressant withdrawal and the shock of the PTSD label, I am not about to judge any avenue for healing. Emotions are confusing and I value meditation, even if my grasp on it is minimal.

So this reiki is something I tried. Here is my reflection.
     * I'm spending an hour on a massage table with someone's hands resting on parts of my body and head. Instead of a massage, it's just a physical touch, which can be a powerful connection that many humans respond to well. I am one of those people. Nicole says she can feel energy and heat and wants to be seen a conduit for the Earth's energy channeling toward you and the way to be most receptive to it is to relax and open up.
Deal. I can do both of those things.

First, she played her reiki bowls and I quite liked the sound of those. I thought it was lovely to have anyone play something for me, especially for my well-being.

Then, hands. And nice music. Yoga, bird noises and rain and those nature sounds. I thought it blended rather well with the council maintenance trucks and crows, and I'm not even being facetious. It really was nice.
Hands on my forehead. I thought about how this physical touch is a nice thing and intended on the meditation component of "pushing all thoughts out of the mind" as my old pilates teacher in Burma would say. So if I started thinking, I would imagine actually pushing that out and staying clear.
And I started watching the light impressions moving around behind my eyelids, which was slow and a little bit like watching clouds. Pretty clear mind.

Her hands moved to my head and I forgot about keeping the clear mind. I was thinking about the flowers that just got delivered from my inlaws and how that felt like they were from Austin. And how Evelyn has been sleeping in my bed and that's the closest thing I have to sleeping next to him again. And I even thought about his ashes and the reality of owning the very last of someone's body. And I was profoundly sad. That happens now, those feelings. And I could feel my eyes burning and the heat climb up my throat and my eyes got wet. Which is NOT what I wanted this for. Quick! Get the thoughts out of my head and go back to that clear, thought pushing stuff. Clear. Open. Back.

And now I'm back to the light impressions. How am I coping with all of this? And a funny picture starts being drawn in my imagination, with curves and a point and patterns, deep blue with yellow dots. And it grows and for whatever reason, this seems like it's a picture of my personality, or at least what I want to be for the rest of what I have. Now I feel like painting it.

Her hands are over my throat and moving to my chest. My brain hasn't stopped firing off, but it's at least calmer. Guided. Still reflective and not negative. I'm trying to consider these Earth energy frequencies and stay open to it all.
Where would all of this energy come from? It's all energy. It's a fact. But let's consider all of the energy sources. Right now, what's is a healthy energy. Those birds cacking away out there, that's energy. The grass bending under my feet. There's some. The wind, the sun, the growing plants in my garden. Rain falling. This is what starts pulling through my head.

Her hands move down to my belly. I'm reminded of my breathing and how counting my long breaths out used to be a way to go to sleep, or calm my heart rate, but it doesn't seem to work as well anymore. Maybe that's practice.
I should also be practicing that calm, safe space for the therapy sessions. So I've moved back to the beach. It's much more comfortable recalling a past experience rather than imagining a new one. So I think back about the beach and the visuals that were appreciated, and the sensations, like he had said. And I remember the warm sun, the sound of the waves, sinking heavily into a beach chair and watching actual goats eat the purple flowers off of the plants. It was a pretty impressive place. And it was far enough away, and difficult enough to get to that it was well and truly removed from any other realities or life stress. That was it. There you were. Isn't it great.
And I remember feeling a really deep appreciation for living in such a bizarre, interesting, beautiful country. I felt a really strong... love, I guess, for everything I could rest my eyes on. What made that place so very different from where I am right now? Could I still feel a deep love for where I am? Because, let's face it, laying on a massage table in my clean house in this situation is pretty fantastic, too. Why was it more work to recall that appreciation?
I don't buy too much into the mindfulness trend going on EVERYWHERE at the moment, but this must be a part of it. I don't like trends. Oh well. Hands are moving.

I flip over onto my belly and her hands are on my shoulders now. Recently, Nicole asked me where I carry my stress, or to pay attention to where I carry my stress. And the answer is in my shoulders. So I'm making a conscious effort to let my shoulders fall. Logically, that would be the part that would need to download the most of this Energy as a recharge. So I pretend to vacuum all the energy love up and actually feel a bit dizzy, so I go with that. The room starts spinning around pretty hard, like a roller coaster. Then slows and moves and I'm all over the place. What a ride. Cool.

Hands move over to my back. That's nice. I like when people touch my back. It's rather supportive. And I suppose that's the whole point of this exercise. This is a way to show self-care and support yourself. But I also have a friend who is supporting me by offering this. And I have support.

The end.
That was a mental ride. That's a lot of my thought processes and, quite frankly, a pretty decent insight. It also might be proof of how ridiculous brains can be.
Our minds really control so much more of our body and health than we realise. If it takes believing in reiki, or whatever other avenue to slip down that path of calm, then I suppose I'll take it.

Signing off. I'll go and finish my birthday now.