Having an au pair is great.
Almost immediately, I could breathe.
There is another adult human to absorb the child energy. It feels like this massive shift. Someone can wash the dishes and someone else can bath the kids at the same time!
She's lovely. It isn't the friendly relationship that I was a little worried about. It's a backpacker who has a comfortable and free place to stay, in exchange for a bit of help around the home and babysitting money. It's a nice, pleasant exchange.
The flexibility of being able to take one to a doctor appointment or jump out to the shops on my own has been such a relief. And, surprisingly, the ability to run again has really helped my mental state.
It still feels like a bit of limbo in life.
I had the epiphany while writing Christmas cards a couple weeks ago. I'm busy. Life is busy.
But the business is boring. I'm bored. It feels so meaningless.
I haven't felt meaningful in a long time. Despite having two kids and all the fixings in a safe, comfortable home, I want to be excited by my surroundings again.
So now I need to work out how to do that.
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Dream
I had another dream about Austin last night. I've had a few lately and can only conclude that this is due to that EMDR stuff. It must be triggering.
I think his profile picture had changed. Something had happened and alerted that maybe he was still somewhere. Playing, moving, adventuring. Like he was stuck on his own, far away from society where there were rapids and boats and sun and a gross need for survival skills.
The picture had changed to be photoshopped with our son in his arms. As though he wanted to look like he was holding him up and Chas' face was pasted on. So where would Austin have gotten this picture unless if he was interested?
And I called, because in dreamland this is logical, and had a hard time remembering his phone number. Rang twice and he answered.
I cried. Hard. Which, I guess would be expected.
The overwhelming relief of hearing his voice alive surprised me the most.
I think his profile picture had changed. Something had happened and alerted that maybe he was still somewhere. Playing, moving, adventuring. Like he was stuck on his own, far away from society where there were rapids and boats and sun and a gross need for survival skills.
The picture had changed to be photoshopped with our son in his arms. As though he wanted to look like he was holding him up and Chas' face was pasted on. So where would Austin have gotten this picture unless if he was interested?
And I called, because in dreamland this is logical, and had a hard time remembering his phone number. Rang twice and he answered.
I cried. Hard. Which, I guess would be expected.
The overwhelming relief of hearing his voice alive surprised me the most.
Saturday, October 20, 2018
Ho hum
This exhaustion is exhausting.
Ten days before the first au pair arrives. I'm still hopeful that she will be a big relief valve on my life. The pressure can be lifted. Someone else can help with the heavy lifting, enjoying the kids when I need to be alone.
A high expectation for a 19 year old, but we are trying. I'm hopeful.
Lately, I have had some moments of productivity laced with crushing overwhelmingness.
I'm still resentful, and I try to ignore it or at least be more understanding, of other single mothers who get some time off. Time to rest. Time to move. Time to explore their own needs or interests.
I'm feeling claustrophobic. I'm stuck. My children have overwhelming needs for attention, mediation, food, general care and I'm overwhelmed. It's too much. I struggle to enjoy much of anything - which now that I'm reading it, sounds like depression again.
I thought that last night. I realise the depression could rear back and blanket my moods again. I miss having my husband to share this with. I don't want to be dating. I don't want to be unhappy or selfish in this life, yet here we are.
No way am I going to take those antidepressants again because it was FAR too challenging to come off of them. But I can taste the temptation to push away the feelings with a pill.
The incontinence. It's still so much. I am still frustrated.
She still sits in her wet undies until I figure it out and tell her to change.
She still doesn't send herself to the toilet or ask to go. She waits to be prompted.
She still lies about it.
I'm trying rewards in stickers and fun activities. She doesn't want to stop doing what she's doing to go to the toilet.
So, we start with potty training all over again. With a 5 1/2 year old.
The penny dropped last week or so. One thing that could be contributing is the lysine? It's the only booster I've given her and it's to manage her cold sores. One potential side effect is kidney issues, so we've stopped this.
I've gotten a referral for a paediatrician so we can move forward here, but I'm still just so tired of it all.
I'm tired.
I'm probably depressed.
Not much seems to be much fun these days.
Ho hum.
Ten days before the first au pair arrives. I'm still hopeful that she will be a big relief valve on my life. The pressure can be lifted. Someone else can help with the heavy lifting, enjoying the kids when I need to be alone.
A high expectation for a 19 year old, but we are trying. I'm hopeful.
Lately, I have had some moments of productivity laced with crushing overwhelmingness.
I'm still resentful, and I try to ignore it or at least be more understanding, of other single mothers who get some time off. Time to rest. Time to move. Time to explore their own needs or interests.
I'm feeling claustrophobic. I'm stuck. My children have overwhelming needs for attention, mediation, food, general care and I'm overwhelmed. It's too much. I struggle to enjoy much of anything - which now that I'm reading it, sounds like depression again.
I thought that last night. I realise the depression could rear back and blanket my moods again. I miss having my husband to share this with. I don't want to be dating. I don't want to be unhappy or selfish in this life, yet here we are.
No way am I going to take those antidepressants again because it was FAR too challenging to come off of them. But I can taste the temptation to push away the feelings with a pill.
The incontinence. It's still so much. I am still frustrated.
She still sits in her wet undies until I figure it out and tell her to change.
She still doesn't send herself to the toilet or ask to go. She waits to be prompted.
She still lies about it.
I'm trying rewards in stickers and fun activities. She doesn't want to stop doing what she's doing to go to the toilet.
So, we start with potty training all over again. With a 5 1/2 year old.
The penny dropped last week or so. One thing that could be contributing is the lysine? It's the only booster I've given her and it's to manage her cold sores. One potential side effect is kidney issues, so we've stopped this.
I've gotten a referral for a paediatrician so we can move forward here, but I'm still just so tired of it all.
I'm tired.
I'm probably depressed.
Not much seems to be much fun these days.
Ho hum.
Monday, October 8, 2018
A Rant
Oh man.
I am so disappointed in myself. But it still felt like this pressure valve needed releasing.
The pant wetting has become extreme. I give up. It's obviously hit frustration and I'm so tired of doing it all. She doesn't get in trouble for the accidents, I emphasise that.
But then she sits. In her wet undies. All day, if she's allowed. Until I smell her or see and tell her to change. She can't figure out to do it on her own.
What is the big, damn deal over staying in wet undies! It smells awful. And I know that other kids are starting to notice and comment on it. I'm afraid she's going to cause some longer term damage with infections. And I don't want to be monitoring her every single day and night, multiple times, to change her underwear.
I've spent more money on getting special undies with padding in them to hold the wee. But she'll still need to change. We have upgraded to pull ups over night so I can take a break from washing and re-making her bed every day or two. She wears big pads in her undies until the special padded ones arrive.
And tonight, once again, after another big conversation about keeping her body clean - I finally ranted at her.
CHANGE. YOUR. UNDIES!!!! When you are wet - just CHANGE THEM!
Why? Why is this so hard? Why can't she just acknowledge that she is wet? Why do I have to call her out on it EVERY SINGLE TIME!!?!?!?
::big sigh::
I've been sick over these holidays. The flu manifested into the first sinus infection I can ever remember having.
Sinus infection. Where you can physically see the sinus cavities through your skin because they are so red and enflamed. Weird, right?
Waking up with a sore throat from snoring so hard.
And I made it through, big strong girl that I am, with no antibiotics.
Until my left eye socket, for whatever reason became super sore.
Who knows why. Bacterial infection spreads?
Maybe it's contributing to my crankiness.
I am so disappointed in myself. But it still felt like this pressure valve needed releasing.
The pant wetting has become extreme. I give up. It's obviously hit frustration and I'm so tired of doing it all. She doesn't get in trouble for the accidents, I emphasise that.
But then she sits. In her wet undies. All day, if she's allowed. Until I smell her or see and tell her to change. She can't figure out to do it on her own.
What is the big, damn deal over staying in wet undies! It smells awful. And I know that other kids are starting to notice and comment on it. I'm afraid she's going to cause some longer term damage with infections. And I don't want to be monitoring her every single day and night, multiple times, to change her underwear.
I've spent more money on getting special undies with padding in them to hold the wee. But she'll still need to change. We have upgraded to pull ups over night so I can take a break from washing and re-making her bed every day or two. She wears big pads in her undies until the special padded ones arrive.
And tonight, once again, after another big conversation about keeping her body clean - I finally ranted at her.
CHANGE. YOUR. UNDIES!!!! When you are wet - just CHANGE THEM!
Why? Why is this so hard? Why can't she just acknowledge that she is wet? Why do I have to call her out on it EVERY SINGLE TIME!!?!?!?
::big sigh::
I've been sick over these holidays. The flu manifested into the first sinus infection I can ever remember having.
Sinus infection. Where you can physically see the sinus cavities through your skin because they are so red and enflamed. Weird, right?
Waking up with a sore throat from snoring so hard.
And I made it through, big strong girl that I am, with no antibiotics.
Until my left eye socket, for whatever reason became super sore.
Who knows why. Bacterial infection spreads?
Maybe it's contributing to my crankiness.
Friday, September 21, 2018
How is it possible to carry on while being this overwhelmingly exhausted.
Yet, here I am. Awake.
SO many projects in this house and I'm getting there. But it's not near the end yet.
I'm sanding and bogging and sanding and bogging the flat bathroom, which now has two new walls. Still need to tile the kickboard, the wall and the top of the shower wall. But first I have to paint the primer so the tile adhesive sticks.
I'm sanding and gapping the trim around the window. I'm sanding back the kitchenette bench, so the sink has been lifted.
I still need to clean, and sand and bog until it's fine. Then clean up the dust. Tile. Clean again. Paint. Put the shelves next to the sink. Find a mirror that looks nice. Replace the toilet tank. Paint the window trim. Seal the kitchenette bench. Sand. Seal again. Replace the sink. Seal. Hope it works.
But wait. There's more.
The rumpus room still leaks. The cleaner used a gurney to clean the front porch (which still has mold, so she didn't clean all of it) and found dry rot. The walls need to be sealed again. So I'll gap around the windows and seals. And I'll need to paint.
Plus the turf. I've spent over $300 on new grass in the last month. Now that looks fantastic. Pat on my own back thankyouverymuch. Yeah!
Meanwhile I'm balancing dinners and laundry and house and kids. I have no more food in the house and must, MUST go grocery shopping tomorrow. Thank goodness we're on school holidays so I can actually try to get things done.
So, let's work out a priority list here.
Granny flat:
*bedroom window and corner
*seal the kitchenette bench
*sand and bog bathroom wall
*prepare to tile
And time to wash and wax the car again. Nearly oil change time.
To bring this full around,
I'm sick.
That's it. Time for bed.
Goodnight, world.
Yet, here I am. Awake.
SO many projects in this house and I'm getting there. But it's not near the end yet.
I'm sanding and bogging and sanding and bogging the flat bathroom, which now has two new walls. Still need to tile the kickboard, the wall and the top of the shower wall. But first I have to paint the primer so the tile adhesive sticks.
I'm sanding and gapping the trim around the window. I'm sanding back the kitchenette bench, so the sink has been lifted.
I still need to clean, and sand and bog until it's fine. Then clean up the dust. Tile. Clean again. Paint. Put the shelves next to the sink. Find a mirror that looks nice. Replace the toilet tank. Paint the window trim. Seal the kitchenette bench. Sand. Seal again. Replace the sink. Seal. Hope it works.
But wait. There's more.
The rumpus room still leaks. The cleaner used a gurney to clean the front porch (which still has mold, so she didn't clean all of it) and found dry rot. The walls need to be sealed again. So I'll gap around the windows and seals. And I'll need to paint.
Plus the turf. I've spent over $300 on new grass in the last month. Now that looks fantastic. Pat on my own back thankyouverymuch. Yeah!
Meanwhile I'm balancing dinners and laundry and house and kids. I have no more food in the house and must, MUST go grocery shopping tomorrow. Thank goodness we're on school holidays so I can actually try to get things done.
So, let's work out a priority list here.
Granny flat:
*bedroom window and corner
*seal the kitchenette bench
*sand and bog bathroom wall
*prepare to tile
And time to wash and wax the car again. Nearly oil change time.
To bring this full around,
I'm sick.
That's it. Time for bed.
Goodnight, world.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
An Apology
Something pretty phenomenal happened today.
Josh and I have been friends since we were 12 or so. Met in middle school. Can't even remember meeting him, but we've always been friends. He dated my best friend. We were in band together. And then after we hit our 20s, I even agreed to be his arm candy for the Marine Ball. It's a good friendship.
And he sent me a message the other day over Facebook.
Just to chat. Just to catch up. No big deal.
Missed him last night, but I've been knackered and going to bed early anyway.
Today, he sends a message.
This has left me feeling so... wholesome. I can't even remember what he's talking about, but how marvellous it is to get a genuine, meaningful message like this one.
Josh and I have been friends since we were 12 or so. Met in middle school. Can't even remember meeting him, but we've always been friends. He dated my best friend. We were in band together. And then after we hit our 20s, I even agreed to be his arm candy for the Marine Ball. It's a good friendship.
And he sent me a message the other day over Facebook.
Just to chat. Just to catch up. No big deal.
Missed him last night, but I've been knackered and going to bed early anyway.
Today, he sends a message.
This has left me feeling so... wholesome. I can't even remember what he's talking about, but how marvellous it is to get a genuine, meaningful message like this one.
Thursday, September 6, 2018
The Letter
Two years ago, I agreed to have my "story" published in a magazine.
And then I received a beautiful, handwritten letter in the mail. Quite unexpectedly. Along with a handful of pictures of me with my two smiling children. One was framed.
This letter was a gesture of support, to thank me for sharing. It was funny, light, genuine and kind. I was so grateful that someone, who I had met just that one time, was so affected by meeting me and felt the need to reach out.
It was such a nice feeling. This stranger thought I was inspiring. He called me "stoic". It was nice.
I wrote back months later. Thanking him for this picture. Helping me to realise that this beautiful family picture, this new family could still be beautiful. I'm hoping that my letter reply was more coherent.
Fast forward.
To Wednesday. And I get another beautiful, handwritten letter.
It made me cry. I'll upload it later, I think.
And then I received a beautiful, handwritten letter in the mail. Quite unexpectedly. Along with a handful of pictures of me with my two smiling children. One was framed.
This letter was a gesture of support, to thank me for sharing. It was funny, light, genuine and kind. I was so grateful that someone, who I had met just that one time, was so affected by meeting me and felt the need to reach out.
It was such a nice feeling. This stranger thought I was inspiring. He called me "stoic". It was nice.
I wrote back months later. Thanking him for this picture. Helping me to realise that this beautiful family picture, this new family could still be beautiful. I'm hoping that my letter reply was more coherent.
Fast forward.
To Wednesday. And I get another beautiful, handwritten letter.
It made me cry. I'll upload it later, I think.
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