The Tired Mum

 

I am so tired. Sooooo tired.

Last night was fun. I’m glad I made it out to see friends in the city. Thank you, Andy, for making sure that my meager social life can get an infusion once or twice per year.

We’ve had a breakthrough in babysitting. Alicia’s daughter is now old enough, comfortable, and confident enough to babysit over night so I can stay out without a curfew or pressure to take someone home at any certain time. For $100, the least I could do was drink lemonade with grenadine for the night. My glass of wine was a whopping $17, so that was enough to knock me straight.

My list… once I started thinking about what I need to do today, it started feeling so overwhelming. Camping tomorrow again. Need to go grocery shopping. Plan food. Meal prep. Clean the car. Pack the car. Make sure that everything is ready to go for a camping trip. It’s cold – so we’ll need to build up our clothes and make sure we have enough long underwear, gloves, socks and such. I started looking for some warmer sleeping bags on marketplace today and found some to pick up tomorrow.

Also on my list is to finish these job applications. I hate not having the security to know what or if I’ll have my job after Week 5. I’ve been knocked back twice now from both interviews a couple of weeks ago and have one more day to apply for the jobs still online. I think. At least one of them is still up. I appreciate how Erin says such kind things to me and says how she has me first on her mind for staffing, but I’m not sure still. That’s a bit of a stress. I spent at least an hour today on rewriting my selection criteria again, and still not done. So I’ll put that off again, I guess.

Chas was watching those youtube channels that I have explicitly asked him not to. Both kids have been pushing those boundaries and it’s probably reflecting my lack of consequences. They clearly hate when I’m upset or frustrated, but nothing seems like it’s changing. I’m just venting, really. Feeling so alone and like the kids are dumping extra work on me and being lazy, which they are. They want to lay around and watch tv and eat junk food just like I do. The difference is that I can’t realistically keep up with all of the jobs without their help. And following the two of them around to make sure it’s all getting done feels like it is draining me and then my own jobs take even longer. Even making dinner is distressing and takes forever. Meal prep takes forever. Shopping and meal planning is even feeling overwhelming.

I’m overwhelmed. And tired. I would love to have a whole day to drink coffee and read a book in my pyjamas. And not have to worry about anyone else. Listen to wonderful boppy music that makes you smile and move. Go for a walk. Sit on the back deck. Stretch.

But I can’t. The daily grind of jobs to keep this house running is starting to break me down. Every. Single. Day. There are crumbs on the ground. The dishes to load. Unload. Even turning it on. The laundry. The hanging. Folding. Begging my kids to put their clothes away. Or asking not to put their clean clothes back in the basket.

I wish I could have a person to live with and share support. Someone to help me to feel calm when I’m overwhelmed. To keep me grounded. To step in and give the kids love when I’m absolutely tapped out. At the end of the day, right when the kids are ready to go to bed – I’m losing my marbles when they just refuse to do the everyday goofy things that I have to repeat EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Like to hang the stupid wet towel. Fill up the water bottle. I’m exhausted.

 

And my back. It hasn’t been going well for a while, but now I know. Disc degenerated and nerve problems. Physio would help, but with what time? How? Another priority.

I’m so lucky to have our home and my beautiful friends who really do support me with my children, whom I really do live and breathe for. I don’t have the dire survival needs that many others are battling right now and I need to keep that perspective.

The reality is, I’m having a hard time. And I’m feeling alone. My beautiful supportive friends are more than willing to listen – so would my psychologist – but it really doesn’t solve anything. Something has got to give.

Aaaaahhh! And I also have to work out these bloody passports now, too! Since ours are both expired and Chas isn’t even a citizen, what a headache. No wonder I’m struggling to sleep.