The Tired Mum

 

I am so tired. Sooooo tired.

Last night was fun. I’m glad I made it out to see friends in the city. Thank you, Andy, for making sure that my meager social life can get an infusion once or twice per year.

We’ve had a breakthrough in babysitting. Alicia’s daughter is now old enough, comfortable, and confident enough to babysit over night so I can stay out without a curfew or pressure to take someone home at any certain time. For $100, the least I could do was drink lemonade with grenadine for the night. My glass of wine was a whopping $17, so that was enough to knock me straight.

My list… once I started thinking about what I need to do today, it started feeling so overwhelming. Camping tomorrow again. Need to go grocery shopping. Plan food. Meal prep. Clean the car. Pack the car. Make sure that everything is ready to go for a camping trip. It’s cold – so we’ll need to build up our clothes and make sure we have enough long underwear, gloves, socks and such. I started looking for some warmer sleeping bags on marketplace today and found some to pick up tomorrow.

Also on my list is to finish these job applications. I hate not having the security to know what or if I’ll have my job after Week 5. I’ve been knocked back twice now from both interviews a couple of weeks ago and have one more day to apply for the jobs still online. I think. At least one of them is still up. I appreciate how Erin says such kind things to me and says how she has me first on her mind for staffing, but I’m not sure still. That’s a bit of a stress. I spent at least an hour today on rewriting my selection criteria again, and still not done. So I’ll put that off again, I guess.

Chas was watching those youtube channels that I have explicitly asked him not to. Both kids have been pushing those boundaries and it’s probably reflecting my lack of consequences. They clearly hate when I’m upset or frustrated, but nothing seems like it’s changing. I’m just venting, really. Feeling so alone and like the kids are dumping extra work on me and being lazy, which they are. They want to lay around and watch tv and eat junk food just like I do. The difference is that I can’t realistically keep up with all of the jobs without their help. And following the two of them around to make sure it’s all getting done feels like it is draining me and then my own jobs take even longer. Even making dinner is distressing and takes forever. Meal prep takes forever. Shopping and meal planning is even feeling overwhelming.

I’m overwhelmed. And tired. I would love to have a whole day to drink coffee and read a book in my pyjamas. And not have to worry about anyone else. Listen to wonderful boppy music that makes you smile and move. Go for a walk. Sit on the back deck. Stretch.

But I can’t. The daily grind of jobs to keep this house running is starting to break me down. Every. Single. Day. There are crumbs on the ground. The dishes to load. Unload. Even turning it on. The laundry. The hanging. Folding. Begging my kids to put their clothes away. Or asking not to put their clean clothes back in the basket.

I wish I could have a person to live with and share support. Someone to help me to feel calm when I’m overwhelmed. To keep me grounded. To step in and give the kids love when I’m absolutely tapped out. At the end of the day, right when the kids are ready to go to bed – I’m losing my marbles when they just refuse to do the everyday goofy things that I have to repeat EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Like to hang the stupid wet towel. Fill up the water bottle. I’m exhausted.

 

And my back. It hasn’t been going well for a while, but now I know. Disc degenerated and nerve problems. Physio would help, but with what time? How? Another priority.

I’m so lucky to have our home and my beautiful friends who really do support me with my children, whom I really do live and breathe for. I don’t have the dire survival needs that many others are battling right now and I need to keep that perspective.

The reality is, I’m having a hard time. And I’m feeling alone. My beautiful supportive friends are more than willing to listen – so would my psychologist – but it really doesn’t solve anything. Something has got to give.

Aaaaahhh! And I also have to work out these bloody passports now, too! Since ours are both expired and Chas isn’t even a citizen, what a headache. No wonder I’m struggling to sleep.

Enormous Life Plans

Everything is changing.

Again.
(I should really be getting used to that, I guess.)


So many ideas have been banging around in my little head. Like the fog has lifted in these last few months. All this time in isolation has resulted in flashes, the start of something. Ideas.
Future?

I've toyed with this idea of going back to school to get a PhD. It's a lovely dream idea, but I don't have the clarity around where to start. What topic? How could I possibly consider studying and having time commitments as a single mother?  Hmmm, maybe not quite yet.

So.... it's time to explore something else.

My brain has been fried. There are thoughts pinging off the sides and banging into each other. It's intense. Confusing. I start considering one part and remember other items that I need to . It's hard to keep up. I'll start with a list. Not necessarily in order.

1. Investments, current savings
2. Citizenship - what do I do with my current US status? It's a whole other post.
3. Job - I like the security, but I want to do more with it. Future for international schools, hopefully. (Can I do what without my US citizenship?) Rural and remote Australia? Yes. Okay, let's learn more about that one.
4. My kids.
My favourite stressful topic.
They should have a childhood that is an experience. Not just the humdrum, home, school regular push of society and ... so regular. No. I want them to have more than that.

So here's my chance. They're at good ages. I can make the decisions and they're coming with me. It's time to do something a bit more exciting. Terrifying, but interesting and - let's face it, if we don't do something then I am definitely going to regret it.

A plan is starting to form.
* Converted van. I can try that. It's learning and I like that idea. Lots. Design. Create. All of that.

* Take the kids and travel the country. I'd love to see the country. Taking two kids on my own is crazy, but like I said, I'd regret it if I didn't. 

* Explore rural and remote areas of Australia (as well as the higher traffic areas). Can I offer something to that population in terms of education? I have the design around individualising schooling and strategies, behaviour, a range of ages in primary. What could I do? Remote contracts, possibly, which would put me in a classroom. Offer special education services? Start an ABN and become a resource for distance education or home schoolers? What could I do through the government to make sure it's as helpful as possible. Lots of research to start there.
Whatever, I can handle research. Start somewhere.

If Cz is 4 and in his first year of school, and Ev is in Year 3, then they could (in theory) be enrolled in a school for a longer contract. This is totally do able.

Ideas.

Notes from the Hermitage

I have been a big fat hermit these last few weeks.

It's lovely.

I love my space. And still loving it. I think that I really, really like having my own space.

In fact, I can't imagine sharing it ever without feeling slightly uncomfortable. My home is clean. I don't have to worry about any one else's schedule, or meal preference, or making them feel suitably involved or included. I don't have to feel like I should initiate a conversation. It's so hard to switch "off" when someone else is in your house.

I like hosting, though, to a degree. Guests. Overnight visitors. Friends. But it still takes a lot of effort.
And then recovery.

Thinking now, part of me wonders if I should seek out a relationship that has a potential to last and be successful.
But, could I ever be happy with a relationship? Does that person exist where we can live together and I'm still allowed to rest and be on my own? If so, how can I find this person.

Lately, I've been "reading" (not really reading, it's an audio book because that is all that the library had) a book about an Asperger's man who is attempting to find a life partner.
And the rules that he requires sounds SO APPEALING!
If someone who needed rules could accept that my rules involve quiet time or alone time, that would be awesome.

Is it possible? Is it even worth being open to?


The au pair left for her new family last night and is off to Sydney. Back to the little 3 of us.
Another one will come later. After recovery from the last one.

First Grader

In other news,

my daughter is now in Year 1.
Six years old and I've been a mother for that long. Whoa.

To come full circle, she is now the same age as all those students I taught for all those years. It's strange. And it's beautiful. And she's so big and I'm having all these feelings and it's weird having these feelings because .... feelings.


There is no baby left in this kid. She is all kid now. She asked on Friday if she can take herself to the classroom without me even walking her in.
And I actually nearly teared up.
Why?

Because I'm proud. And it's noticing that she's getting older and this new phase of our relationship will never go back to the old one. The change is happening. I love this independence and it will make my life much easier, but it's also the death of another dynamic. And that's sad. It will never come back.

I mean, maybe it will and we could go back and forth. I'm just experiencing it now.

She also has her first wobbly tooth. Both of them actually, down bottom and central. She isn't overly fussed about wiggling them yet, so must not be that much.
She is reading like a champion. She nailed her first swimming lesson in over a year.

I love this kid. I'm glad she's independent and healthy and clever and usually pretty kind.
But there's no baby any more.

Budgets

I'm a bit of a dweeb when it comes to spreadsheets.

In that I love them to the point of obsessing (a bit)

I know I'm only working part time. I know I have a security blanket in a savings account that I have been taking advantage of.

I know that there have been some projects, some unnecessary shopping, some free flowing expenses for the sake of life's enjoyment.

But I've had a rude slap to the face this last week when I actually pulled it all apart.

I went to the point of listing all of my expenses from January. I even itemised them and put them into categories. These being:
House
Car
Groceries
Child Care
House Insurance
Utilities and Rates
Phone and Internet
Savings
Sports/Activities
Medical/Counselling
Misc

And here I go thinking that I've been living humbly. But as it turns out, I have not.
Over spending by my income by, literally, thousands of dollars.

The house insurance was a killer. New glasses. Bits and pieces and things and new tyres on the car and here we are.

The biggest one is the au pair, actually.

So in the last few days I have undergone a shift.

Abandoned the television package (save $30/month)
Cancelled the cleaner ($60/fortnight)
Stretched out our counselling appointments to 6 weeks.
Cancelled the local milk order (saving about $10/wk)
And applied for a government voucher to help with Ev's sports. ($150/yr)

Here's hoping.
Oh, and more tea, less wine.
Everyone can have goals, right?

PhD

Next topic.

Now that I have established the trifecta - perfect balance of work, family/home and self - I realised that this is ideal.

This part time work gig allows me to enjoy my kids.
And the balance of having another person to help with the house tasks allows the stress of daily life to ease.

So much ease. Another person with a helpful nature is the ultimate difference

But now, I've been able to sit back and reflect on my work.
I've always wanted to be a teacher. Ever since I sat down at my first grade desk and watched my first grade teacher from her side of the room, I wanted to be that person.

The goal of probably most teachers is to leave this beautiful lasting impression on our students. People who want to help and satisfy curiosity and learn how to make the world a slightly more enlightened place.


I don't feel that way anymore.
I am in a job where I don't feel respected or encouraged or like there is any way to do a good job.

Maybe I should move this think tank.
I like academia. I want to continue that journey of movement to enquiry.

I think I want to earn a PhD.
Begin the research.

Au Pair

Having an au pair is great.

Almost immediately, I could breathe.
There is another adult human to absorb the child energy. It feels like this massive shift. Someone can wash the dishes and  someone else can bath the kids at the same time!

She's lovely. It isn't the friendly relationship that I was a little worried about. It's a backpacker who has a comfortable and free place to stay, in exchange for a bit of help around the home and babysitting money. It's a nice, pleasant exchange.

The flexibility of being able to take one to a doctor appointment or jump out to the shops on my own has been such a relief. And, surprisingly, the ability to run again has really helped my mental state.

It still feels like a bit of limbo in life.
I had the epiphany while writing Christmas cards a couple weeks ago. I'm busy. Life is busy.
But the business is boring. I'm bored. It feels so meaningless.

I haven't felt meaningful in a long time. Despite having two kids and all the fixings in a safe, comfortable home, I want to be excited by my surroundings again.

So now I need to work out how to do that.